Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
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Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
back to work
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.