My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
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How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
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angry guy who didn’t get the joke