I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
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*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
necessity is the mother of invention
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.