I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
No, he would not have.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.