‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.