Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
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If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
dutch is not a serious language
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)