*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
You Might Also Like
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
[eulogy]
line?
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.