One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Beware of the “party goblin”…
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Natty or not?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.