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You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.