“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
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Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
Mission: Impossible
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.