YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Every BBC series about the universe.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace