My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
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Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*walks into Babies R Us*
Hi I’d like to buy a baby.
“Sir we don’t-”
*I slide him a 100 dollar bill*
“This way please.”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.