Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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m’lady
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
is this a threat
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie