Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
You Might Also Like
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick