No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I know karate and tons of other words.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
the #horror is real!
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller