“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?