I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task