My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
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At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂