Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
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I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*