At least try to make it slightly believable
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Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”