Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
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The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you