Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
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Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
some cats are just doing for fun!
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving