“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
You Might Also Like
Sing it!
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
me
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD