Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
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i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do