Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
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When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Okay me first
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer