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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
good for her
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[First Date]
Me: I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.
They also CAN sing✌️