PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
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i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”