So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
You Might Also Like
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
fair
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.