[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
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*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.