I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
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I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
I have so many questions.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear