Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
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Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
my retirement plan is braless
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.