I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
all bases covered
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.