Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
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Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
The options really are this bad
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
everyone has that one prude friend
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Has there ever been a more American story?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Care for your back
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season