*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
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[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
inventing words: clothing
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids