My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
New mindset, who dis?