People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.