[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
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[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.