Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
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ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
What the hell happened here.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
This kid is a star!
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first