If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
You Might Also Like
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?