If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
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Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out