I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.