I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
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Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.