Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
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me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments