That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
Buck naked
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil