Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
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People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
ACED my prostate exam!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”