I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
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[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.