Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
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3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”