olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
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[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex