Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
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My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
The little toadstool has spoken.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Just as the prophecy foretold
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.