Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
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Hit me in the face with a bird
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons: